Thursday, June 25, 2015

Passion for writing, gone?

I'm not dead, still here.  One huge thing has happened to me, I figured out why I can't write.  It's not because I have no muse or I'm out of love with writing, it's because I have depression.  Severe depression.  For a long time I didn't realize that was the reason, I seriously thought it was because I just couldn't write.  Not the case.  I've battled depression since I was in middle school and have been hospitalized in high school because of it.  As a teenager I would go through withdrawals if I didn't read or write at least once during the day.  Now as an adult it's at it's worst it's ever been, I can go weeks without even thinking of writing, for a long time I didn't realize it could effect me like this.  A symptom of depression is losing the passion you once had for things that you love, I lost the passion.  And sadly it's not just for writing.  

I'm still writing what I can everyday, I won't release Mean Boys until it's at the level of perfection that I dreamed of it being.  Of course nothing is perfect and I know it won't be but I still want to be proud of my work.  So I've added more chapters which is putting me back at that first draft stage, at the same time I have other chapters in their third draft.  It's super discombobulated.  When I write my next book I'm never doing it this way again.  Though I'm happy to make the mistakes now than later.  I have to keep telling myself "it's not writers block it's depression" and I'm never going to fully recover unless I get help.  Real help.  I'm planning on visiting a facility geared toward helping Adult mental health.  I'm not sure how this will turn out but it's better than doing nothing.  I'm letting the days go by of feeling like utter crap, not writing, wallowing in self pity, and wanting to die.  I'm getting help no matter what, I don't want to give up on myself.  I'm praying my next post will about finally publishing Mean Boys.

Wish me luck. 


Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Where's the book?

Here's my list of reasons (excuses) on why my book still isn't out yet.  The book is short, not even a 150 pages and yet it's still not out?  What's up?  Here's my reasons:

  1.  I've been going through some eye issues, my eyes have been irritating and burning whenever I stare too long at my computer screen.  I work at a desk in front of a computer for eight hours everyday so that plus going home to look at another screen is causing me a lot of pain.  I've taken the measures to get these issues checked out but I won't be able to see a doctor until next month.
  2. Second reason my soul sucking job.  I work in a call center that deals with billing problems BILLING so when people call me they're always mad, yelling, angry, and calling me names.  It causes me so much stress whenever I get home all I want to do is eat, sleep, and cry.  Editing or writing is the last thing on my mind.  Then when I try to write I feel like it's all complete garbage and I stop.  I hate it, I could be done by now.  The saddest part is I always get the most urge to write when I'm actually at work.  I'm also on the verge of being fired due to my performance so that's another thing.  I happy to have a form of income but I absolutely despise this job.  I want to be a writer, that's it!  I know writing may not take off for me so I'm now in the process of finding another job.
  3. Anxiety/Depression.  I've been dealing with depression since middle school and the while anxiety thing just started a few years ago.  With my book I'm greatly worried about my family reading it.  That sounds weird but for me they have such high expectations I'm afraid that they'll realize I'm actually not as good of a writer or storyteller than they thought.  Or they won't like the characters or subject matter.  It physically makes me sick just thinking about it.  I know people will hate my book and I'm okay with that, I WANT TO SEE BAD REVIEWS so I can know how to improve on my next book.  I just worry I'll disappoint my family or they'll be embarrassed of me cause my writing is so shitty.  
So there are my vague reasons, I want to have it out before the summer if not before the end of April but I'm not so sure.  Sorry if anyone is actually interested in my book.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Just a few weeks away, seriously...

It's almost finished and I'm so excited (and scared).  So many things have happened to me in the process of writing this book.  I don't have an exact date it's coming out.  I won't have that until I get it off to the editor.  I've been trying to get this stupid book out for a longtime now so I wouldn't be surprised if no one buys it. LOL  I had so many obstacles (like any writer): stressful job, mental issues, and procrastination.  But I'm doing it.  Somehow.  I took off a day of work to finish up, honestly I'm in awe of people who can put out multiple books per month.  Fingers crossed Mean Boys Part 2 doesn't take as long.  Also I reached 200 adds on my Goodreads author page, I'm afraid they're expectations for it won't be met.  All I can do is write the most entertaining story I can and churn out more books.  Lastly I might be getting a new cover.  I love the one I have but I found this new cover artist and they're work is AMAZING.  It's just a thought at the moment but I'll have to decide soon.