Thursday, June 25, 2015

Passion for writing, gone?

I'm not dead, still here.  One huge thing has happened to me, I figured out why I can't write.  It's not because I have no muse or I'm out of love with writing, it's because I have depression.  Severe depression.  For a long time I didn't realize that was the reason, I seriously thought it was because I just couldn't write.  Not the case.  I've battled depression since I was in middle school and have been hospitalized in high school because of it.  As a teenager I would go through withdrawals if I didn't read or write at least once during the day.  Now as an adult it's at it's worst it's ever been, I can go weeks without even thinking of writing, for a long time I didn't realize it could effect me like this.  A symptom of depression is losing the passion you once had for things that you love, I lost the passion.  And sadly it's not just for writing.  

I'm still writing what I can everyday, I won't release Mean Boys until it's at the level of perfection that I dreamed of it being.  Of course nothing is perfect and I know it won't be but I still want to be proud of my work.  So I've added more chapters which is putting me back at that first draft stage, at the same time I have other chapters in their third draft.  It's super discombobulated.  When I write my next book I'm never doing it this way again.  Though I'm happy to make the mistakes now than later.  I have to keep telling myself "it's not writers block it's depression" and I'm never going to fully recover unless I get help.  Real help.  I'm planning on visiting a facility geared toward helping Adult mental health.  I'm not sure how this will turn out but it's better than doing nothing.  I'm letting the days go by of feeling like utter crap, not writing, wallowing in self pity, and wanting to die.  I'm getting help no matter what, I don't want to give up on myself.  I'm praying my next post will about finally publishing Mean Boys.

Wish me luck.